Call it what you want–global weirding,
climate change–it’s just flat-out wrong
to hit 80 degrees in mid-October, in Wisconsin,
mosquitoes swarming like it’s June.
Humid muck and sweat, it makes me long for snow,
reconciles me to the dimming of the light.
The third trimester has to be ungodly
uncomfortable, the backaches, the chafing,
the raw, red stretch marks. The pain
that’s coming seems at that point,
if not nothing, then at least something
bearable, something, anything, better
than lumbering around. Just get it out.
The love that died,
the job that changed,
the tree that lost its leaves.
worn out shoes.
The show that jumped the shark,
the friend who wouldn’t go home,
the skirt that fell out of style.
on the Star Wars stamp
you found in your desk.
What’s next and what’s enough and when
will all of this seem clear and would a funeral help?
To signal things are different now,
I know it’s different now,
the past is done, I know it’s done,
I’m ready to move on?
Tomorrow’s wonderful and awful
and so’s today and is tomorrow’s sunrise,
possibly orange and pink and lovely,
any kind of consolation for the coming dark?
I’ve been enjoying Rob Bell’s podcast lately. He had Peter Rollins on a couple times (always blows my mind) and then a great one on Seasons, which made me think maybe we should have a funeral at my workplace, for the way things used to be.
See, budget cuts have made this a very different place to work. In the classroom it’s much the same (wonderful as always, I tell people, and it’s true), but outside class–really different. We’re functioning, for the most part, doing our best, but it’s really, really different.
Then I decided, no, we shouldn’t have a funeral, because there are already enough people worried my sweet little campus will close. I don’t think it will close, and having a funeral wouldn’t have meant that I was thinking it would close, but I could imagine someone seeing it that way.
Having a funeral would have meant I understand the past is gone. Whatever was, isn’t now. Having a funeral would have meant I could feel what I’m feeling, really give it full vent, and then move on. Look around and see things with clearer eyes.
So, no funeral. But I might write down a couple things I particularly miss, and light them on fire in my backyard, and tell them goodbye. I might sing a little song. I might read this out loud, from Ecclesiastes 3:
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”
And then just because the changes at work come from budget cuts of which I don’t approve, I might also read this one from Ecclesiastes 9:11:
“the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to those with understanding, nor yet favour to those with skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”
And then I think I might feel better. Or maybe not.
I don’t just like this. I love it, though it is sad. You give voice to the sadness I feel and can’t express just now. Thank you.
I’m sorry to hear your workplace has changed so much — and your ‘funeral or no funeral’ reasoning makes perfect sense to me. I like what you’ve decided on. Having been without work for over a year now, I wish there was something like that I could do to move on, emotionally. I miss my old place of work, and creative and stimulating environment of graduate school —
It’s so hard to move on & I now tend to scold myself in my head by singing “let it go,” which I find very hard to do. I still miss graduate school in a lot of ways, 25 years later. Sorry you’re out of work! Good luck! (And I always feel like I should have a footnote any time I complain about my job saying I know I’m lucky to have a job, because I do know that.)
Food for thought, regret and hope—thanks! Dad